Feeling Like a “Bad Feminist”

As I type this I’m lying in the comfiest bed in a hotel room in Moncton. I’ve just finished my second day of training my new job, and tomorrow my coworker and I have been invited to a small, more specialized training meeting for our particular roles. This new job role comes straight on the heels of my events/marketing summer position I scored during my move from Ontario to PEI.

I feel so proud of myself. For the first time in FIVE years I’m working in my field again. Sure, I’m taking a pretty big pay cut but to be putting my education (and the student loans I’m STILL paying off) to good use is an incredible feeling. Working a ton of hours this summer, being a worker so strong that my boss advocated for me to remain permanently in a full-time position in the department, and someone that my company felt confident enough to invest in my career makes me feel like I’ve finally made it in my career. It’s safe to say my career is taking off and I feel like a bad-ass business woman.

However, I feel like this move and subsequent career launch is destroying my relationship. And it’s sucks. After eight years of being with someone I feel unsupported in this new adventure and, even more so, unloved.

The worst part? I think I would trade in all this career growth in a heartbeat and I hate myself for it.

It’s 2019. I am a strong, confident, independent woman… aren’t I? I always thought I was. I thought I had learned from past relationships that I need to come first. If this was any of my friends I’d tell them no guy was worth this heartache. And yet… here I am.

I’m allowing myself to be weak. I’m allowing myself to be small. I’m allowing myself to diminish my worth.

I wish I had an answer and that I could turn around and be my own hero. I want to more than anything.

However, I realize that in writing this maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. I have enough self-awareness to know what I should be doing and how I should be seeing myself, and it’s not like I’m quitting my job any time soon. I can have those thoughts and not act upon them. I can work towards wanting to be the “good feminist” I envision for myself and still want to be loved.

I have potential.

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